Posted by: Sarah | August 21, 2009

Yikes! No Blog!

Sorry about not blogging the last two days. Work just became insane. Can’t talk about it, but it’s meant less lunch breaks.

Also, I’ve had no ideas what to write about!

So, I’m going to do my best for a friend and put in writing Girl Translations ™ for The Lizard. Below will just be a few examples.

Translation #1

Sample Conversation: Guy, “What’s wrong?”

Girl, “Nothing.”

Now, unless she falls below the Barney Stinson Crazy/Hot Line, the woman usually means, “It’s not important and it’s not your fault so give me a minute to relax. If you keep pestering me, it will no longer be ‘nothing,’ it’ll be YOU.”

While this does twist the technical meaning of the dictionary definition of the word, it is often shorthand for some version of the above among most healthy couples.  I cannot vouch for what it means for the crazy ones.

Translation #2

Girl: “Let’s be friends.”

Interpretation “A”: I’m REALLY not attracted to you. It’s usually this meaning if she’s not looking at you at all when she says it.

Interpretation “B”: I’m sort of attracted to you, but I still want to play the field and you’re giving off MARRY ME vibes. This is usually followed by a leaning–in hug and a possible request to give her a call sometime which she doesn’t really mean.

Interpretation “C”: I’m REALLY attracted to you but I’m in mourning for a) a former/bad relationship, d) dead family member, c) dead parakeet. Usually followed by the Princess Di maneuver (glancing up at the guy from under bangs or hair artfully falling over one eye).

Interpretation “D”: I REALLY don’t know what I want. Followed by hands wringing or hair twisting and sidelong glances. RUN AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN. This is usually a warning sign of someone that falls below the Crazy/Hot line. (Meaning her craziness outweighs how hot she is.)

Translation #3

Girl: “Let’s get together sometime? Oh, wait, Wednesday? No, sorry can’t. Saturday? That’s not good either. Next Tuesday? Um… I’ll get back to you.”

Interpretation “A”: I’ve been guilty of this myself. In my defense, I actually WAS too busy. I was way too over-scheduled in college and didn’t really have time to date, though I kept trying. And the kind of guys I dated would not have felt comfortable at a sorority event or a football game I was covering for the school newspaper. I ended up never getting together with those guys because they assumed it meant Interpretation “B” (which I’ll get to) and I didn’t really feel like soothing male egos who were going to make such negative assumptions about me anyway.

Interpretation “B”: “Uh, wow, that soon, huhn? Uh… I really wasn’t serious about getting together…. I have a uh… dentist appointment, yeah, that’s it.”

Here are three things women say of which my guy friends repeatedly ask me for interpretations . If you have any other interpretations, feel free to leave them in the comments. If you have any requests for other phrases you want interpreted, feel free to ask in the comments, too.


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